Unkosher Illness Shakes the Very Foundation of Modern America (Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Pandemic)

Dear internet friends,

April was a magical month filled with showers, sunlight, sub 50 degree fahrenheit temperatures, 100 degree fahrenheit temperatures, and crazy fright based on a mutated flu virus that will help the housing markets in Boulder and Las Vegas recover from recent market troubles. Being of hispanic descent, I feel I must apologize for my people and their inadvertant unleashing of a deadly influenza strain that has killed somewhere around 400 or so people, almost 35,600 less than your normal flu. 

You see, America (the real America and not that fake America that makes up the other 90% of the western hemisphere) is under seige from dirty Mexican illegal immigrants who bring pandemic diseases and take away jobs that your average true American would probably not want but should have available if they feel the need to slum around for a day or so. Real Americans know that Mexicans are well know for having deadly pandemic diseases hard coded into their DNA, even those ones that are well spoken and credits to their race. This is because they are not real Americans, not even when they are born and raised in true America. You see every American, in utero, received special magic beams from God and Jesus (pretty much the same thing) that make them special and better than everyone else in the world. The amount of magic beams you get is in direct proportion to your skin color, birth location, ethnic background of your parents and religious affiliation (though Judiasm gets a pass since God likes them alot). I have a chart that shows magic beam amounts.

1. White folks (mix of lots of white folks making better white folks)  111%

2. Jews 100%

2. Asian (from Ching-Chong Chinamen to Jing-Jong Japanamen to King-Kong Koreanamen) 76%

3. Blacks 3/5ths of white folks

4. Greeks 28%

5. Kangaroos 11%

6. Mexicans -10%

As you can see, magic beams know that Mexicans are diseased, job stealing miscreants. Obviously this swine flu outbreak is just a round about reminder that those brown people are up to no good. The continued news coverage and fear mongering is really here to make sure good, clean, Americans know that their country could possibly be in trouble from bio-terrorist nogoodniks in somberos that sell oranges on the freeway or tamales outside of good, clean American downtown business killing stores like Wal-Mart.

A Different Point of View

Dear internet friends,

A few days ago I was on a quest to find a gift for one of my parents' birthday. I searched high and low and eventually found something they enjoyed. That's not the real substance of this adventure, though. On my journey high and low I discovered what I can only figure is the Mexican equivalent of the DeLorean from Back to the Future.

There are key differences between the ethnic Back to the Future car (hence forth known as EBttFC) and white Back to the Future car (now to be known as a DeLorean). I shall now list these differences.

1. EBttFC is red

2. EBttFC does not have suicide doors

3. EBttFC has a tire on its trunk

4. EBttFC has green and yellow piping all over the car.

5. EBttFC's piping looks like it was done over a weekend with finger paints you get from a Target or Wal-Mart

6. EBttFC's driver is about 5'5", weighs around 200+ lbs and seems to wear stained sweat suits.

I was so amazed at EBttFC's appearance I actually took the time to figure out how to take a picture with my phone. Of course I now realize that I lost the USB connection to download my photos but they exist on my phone. I can imagine Doctor Cafe and Martin Gonzales going down to the Montana Valle Strip Mall to go back to 1962 in order to catch El Santo in Santo vs. las Mujeres Vampiro,  the classic luchador versus supernatural vampire women movie that put El Santo on the map outside of Mexico. Of course Marticito gets caught in Mexico City in 1962 and must eventually plan the 1968 Olympics in order to escape as well as donning a mask as El Futuro de America in order to raise funds to build a tesla coil large enough to power his bitching red car.

I believe this movie would be a success and a prime example of American multi-culturalism and lucha libre.

Continuity Road

Dear internet friends,

I wanted an Orange Julius the other day. Knowing only one place that served such confections meant a trip into the bizarro world that is the shopping mall. Shopping malls were to be the bright, enclosed mecca for one's capitalistic needs.

Anchored by stores like Macy's, or if you were in the Pacific Northwest before the end of the 20th century the Bon Marche, JC Penny's or Sears or similar shopping hubs, malls developed their own inner workings - their own circulatory systems. They even began to have more than just carts of hot dogs or pretzels. The food court became the means in which to keep people in malls even when their stomachs began to demand escape from the muzak laden halls of commerce.

Well folks, the mall in the 21st century has evolved. Massage chairs, gift card dispensers, couches, and weird kiosks that sell things from piercings to hot sauces have come to live inside the malls; smaller parasites on the body of commerce. I went into this hallowed ground of past thinking and headed straight for Orange Julius. Despite my best efforts of ignoring everything around me, a mechanism I developed in order not to want to bang my head against any nearby walls, I looked behind me. I thank my stars that I did not turn into a pillar of salt.

How many clothing stores designed to look like something else does one shopping mall need? I know the overhead is low (thanks to cheap labor overseas) and the profit margin is high (thanks to cheap labor overseas) but still, why? I counted no less than 13 different clothing stores in one wing in the mall, 7 of which were selling varients of the same style. Now being a fatty myself I know there is a market for oversized clothing too. So that added the other 6.

I know this is no great revelation or even interesting read but I wonder just where they get all those panneled windows and obnoxious overhead lights. My Orange Julius was tasty though.

The Grocery Store Can Be Educational!

Dear internet friends,

Today, while at the grocery store, I overheard a bagger telling a clerk his secret in getting women to be his steady lady. Two words: Olive Garden.

"I treat my women real good; take them someplace fancy like Olive Garden. I pay for it and everything."

I had groceries in my hand and could not write down his exact words or many of his other pearls of wisdom so I will try to reconstruct his other reasons the ladies love him.

"I take them for rides in my Honda CR-X that I tried to trick out with a body kit but got confused halfway through so now the front bumper-skirt hangs dangerously close to the road and the inside smells like Axe Body Spray and acute desperation (and perhaps lonely, furious masturbation to the box cover of Too Fast, Too Furious)."

"I make sure I tell my women that if we go dutch at the Olive Garden that I will leave the tip since I'm good like that."

Sadly, other nuggets of lady pleasing wisdom are lost to the ages but I keep a vigil at this grocery store in hopes of learning how to make ladies all gooshy.